when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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