At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
