And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
