Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
