I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
