He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
