I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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