I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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