it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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