i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
