he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
