She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
