I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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