just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
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Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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