I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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