The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
