A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
