Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
