I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
