i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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