Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
