Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
