Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
