the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
