Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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