Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
