I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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