when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
