I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
