then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
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The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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