dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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