I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
