Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You're breaking my sexual little heart
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
