Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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