walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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