Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.