Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.