OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
