We're facebook friends in real life
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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