Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
