I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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