the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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