FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
