I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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