The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
