I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
