Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
