I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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