I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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