are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
