I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
