i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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